I think I might be lost.

Currently in front of me, I have some of the most mesmerizing views my eyes had the privilege to look at.

I am currently on a massive boat, traveling from the Southern island of New Zealand, to the Northern, and the views are just absolutely stunning.

On my way to the Northern Island

I have to say that New Zealand truly is a spectacular country, specially when it comes to Mother Nature…

To put it in perspective, I often feel like crying while contemplating the natural beauty.. And yes, I quite often do wonder if I am just feeling extremely emotional or if it truly is THAT beautiful in order to make me shed a tear! But since many other travellers have revealed that they also have cried looking at such stunning mother nature miracles, I feel like it might be normal after all.

But the reason I am writing you now, is because I am feeling inspired and my heart kinda aches so hopefully by writing, it might help me out.

Also, somehow, I am sort of feeling sea sick – this boat is HUGE, it even have 3 cinema rooms inside… (wondering why would people pay to watch a movie in a boat basement while you have the most beautiful view right in front – for free), so I am hoping by concentrating and writing this piece, I will focus on something aside of my weird dizziness and headache and might actually survive this trip without embarrassing myself too much.

So feel like opening up a bit.

I am currently feeling so emotional. Have this whirlwind of feelings going on and I am struggling on what to do.

Through all my life, I always had a plan. I have always been that kid/person that knew what I wanted and always been reasonably easy for me to focus and reach my goals. From study, to sing, or get the “perfect career” to move abroad and even travel the world, everything has always been planned according to my dreams and what I wanted. There has always been space for spontaneity, in fact, the lights aspects were mostly spontaneous, but all has always been planed on a deeper level.

This journey has always been one of my more “unaccessible” dreams. And as many of you still think I won the lottery or only Buddha knows what your thoughts are, in fact, there were years and years of hard work, saving, compromising, thinking outside the box and planning in order for me to be living this dream.

But the reason it has been so difficult, was not only because of the costs but because of what I had to give up to be here. Give up on my structured and balanced life. Give up on my family, friends and relationships. Give up on a great career and a envious life style. Give up on judgements and embrace some fears in order to be fully open to appreciate and discover a new world, and not only talking about new cultures and new people but frankly a brand new world that in “normal” circumstances you are too blinded to see it.

And now here I am. Less than 2 weeks away to “finish” this dream. And it is scary. It is exciting and frightening at the same time. Why???

So many reasons… so many but I guess the scariest of them all is that I do not have a plan. And I think its the first time in my life I do not have one.

You are probably thinking, so why don’t you get one?

And my answer for you, is: because I am not ready. I don’t know what I want next. No point in making a plan as my heart and brain are not working together right now. Have all this sort of voices talking to me and the most annoying are also the loudest. So it is a bit of a struggle at the moment.

Theres a world of options out there for me, but I want to be sure I will do something that will make me truly happy.

To travel the world like I did was absolutely wonderful and a part of me doesn’t want it to stop, ever!!!!

But I am tired. I am soooo tired. I am exhausted in fact. It is so funny because every time I mention to people that I have been traveling for 2,5 years, everyone says they could never do it and they wonder how can I. Funilly enough I wonder myself the same thing, how could I last for this long.

I just want to be able to sleep in the same bed for more than a few days. I really want to have my clothes in a wardrobe and my lotions and cremes in my bathroom. I want to be able to use my perfume again and be able to wear make up. As much as I love my flipflops, would be nice to wear something different because I am starting to wonder if I will ever be able to use heels ever again. Also want to have fresh vegetables in a fridge and be able to cook a decent dish in my kitchen, a kitchen that is clean and where I know where the stuff actually is.

I want all of that. In fact, I need that.

But I wonder how long will I last. How long it will take for me to be missing the travel life and my faithful backpack? How long it will take to be missing my life of Saturdays and wanderlust. To wake up and make decisions on the spot, and my only concern is of where my next step will be. For sure I will be missing my nomad lifestyle and I do wonder how life will be once I stop my gypsy way. It is scary.

So many options, so many things I could do but I still don’t know what I want. Hopefully will have an answer soon.

Saying goodbye to the Southern Island

And it is getting real now and I am not sure how I feel about it…

Have you ever felt this way?

Does anyone have any advice?

Thank you for being around you all. I appreciate you for being part of this journey.

Love from New Zealand.

Emma

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